Tips

What to do in the heat of the moment.

Stop

Before saying anything that will aggravate the situation, or as soon as you can, be quiet. Be still and take a few deep breaths. Remember that anything you say in the 30 minutes after becoming very angry is likely to re-trigger the conflict.

Get In Touch With Your Body

While you focus on your breath, also feel your feet on the ground. Notice what’s happening in the core of your body, your belly, your heart, your throat.

Take A Time Out

Say something like “I’m too upset to talk right now. I care about you/us/this relationship/this conversation and I’ll get back to you in 2 hours.” Remember to say you’re coming back and approximately when.

Use this time out to let off steam by physical exercise, talking to a friend (don’t forget you are your friend too) and getting empathy, writing, singing or any other activity that’s safe, healthy and helps you get centered.

Focus On Your Need

Notice what you’re feeling and ask yourself “What is my need right now?”
Focusing on your need will help you let go of the story that’s triggering distress and conflict. Hold your need and yourself with tenderness and compassion.

Guess What the Other Person's Need Might Be

When you’re able to guess the other’s needs you’re probably ready to go back into the conversation.

Preventive Measures

Find the phrase that will work best for you such as “I’m overwhelmed with feelings right now,” “I can’t think of anything helpful to say. I’m going to take a break ” and have it ready to use next time you’re triggered.

Go over situations in which you’ve been triggered to learn from them. Remember how your body felt. What words or gestures triggered you and what needs of yours do these point to. For example, if your partner said “you’re always making us late” did you react because you value keeping your agreements and you would so much like to change your habit of being late?

Over time, practicing self-awareness through sitting meditation, yoga, tai chi and similar quieting routines can help slow down the time between trigger and reaction.

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