Tips

Empathy

J. “Hi darling,”

K. “Hi, stranger.”

If I didn’t know about the power of empathy I would have little hope for this ominous beginning. I imagine continuing in this vein.

J. “What do you mean calling me Stranger? I just rearranged my day so we could have lunch together.”

K. “Yeah, well it’s been two weeks since we’ve had any time together.”

J. “Look, I didn’t come to an expensive restaurant to have a fight with you.”

You can guess the rest. The good news is that you can turn this around with empathy.

“Empathy” is a term often attributed to psychologist Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology and a teacher of Marshall Rosenberg. In Compassionate (Non-violent) Communication, empathy plays a central role in transforming conflict and creating connection. Here’s where empathy could take the conversation.

K. “Hi darling,”

J. “Hi, stranger.”

K. “I’m hearing some pain. Want to talk about it?”

J. “You’ve been so busy you don’t even remember I exist.”

K. “Sounds like you’ve been lonely, wanting more connection.

J. “Yes. With you.

K. “Are you wanting intimacy. Wanting reassurance that you‘re valued, that you’re a priority in my life?

J. “Yeah.”

That’s empathy. One of those simple-but-not-always-easy exercises, it requires being fully present, listening, and avoiding the common pitfalls of taking it personally, giving advice, trying to fix the situation, explaining, excusing, correcting, or minimizing.

Empathy, or listening with compassionate presence, works in silence too. Once, when my son was a teenager, he started to reveal a vulnerable personal situation challenging him. I felt honored to be in his confidence. I didn’t want to ruin the moment by saying something that would annoy him, as I customarily did. I decided I would just listen very attentively. Five minutes later, my jaw dropped in amazement when he said, “Thanks, Mom, I really feel heard.”

So back to our couple. It takes practice to resist a defensive retort like “Hey, you get busy too.” Empathy brings much more beneficial results than defensiveness, so it’s worth learning how to do it.

A first step is to take a breath, shut the mouth and tell your mind to relax. While you focus on your breath, remember that you show respect for another’s capacity to handle difficulties when you listen without trying to help them. Second, listen for what is most deeply important for the speaker in this moment. Third, gently guess what this value might be. For our couple it was connection, closeness, for my son it was being heard and understood. Other common values or needs people have are integrity, autonomy, the desire to protect or enrich life. To see a more complete list of needs go to: www.cnvc.org/en/what-nvc/needs-list/needs-inventory

Sometimes you might resist expressing empathy because you don’t want to commit to supplying whatever the other is requesting. Understanding and acknowledging that someone wants something does not obligate you to provide it. K. can say “Sounds like you’d really like me to make time just for us soon, is that right?” without agreeing to any contract.

The person who feels seen and heard, like my son did, will be experiencing satisfaction. The resulting connection is fertile ground for healing hurts and for designing strategies that can address the conflict.

Since J. feels heard and understood, these words from K. might be the appetizer for a delicious meal. “I miss our sweet time together too, darling. I treasure our connection and want it to grow. Are you open to talking about how we can celebrate after this phase of my project is finished?”

Enjoy picturing what happens next.

Carl Rogers said “When... someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good... when I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to reperceive my world in a new way and to go on.” That’s the power of empathy.

I’d love to receive your comments, feedback, and news! Email me at selene@TheDanceOfCommunication.com

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